Tongue Worms

The more I think about it, the
weirder tongue kissing seems.
I mean, there you are, hot in the pants for someone, and the best thing you can come up with is to thrust your taste and swallowing organ into your partner’s slobbery mouth and jostle it around like a wily porpoise.

Okay bad simile.


Nevertheless, not only have we made this a habit, but humans have become particularly adept and innovative with the concept. Instead of merely leaving your tongue there, you think it’s a good idea to slosh it around, making it wriggle like a seizing, desperate earthworm. It’s just so odd—it doesn’t serve any practical purpose, save the rumour of a boosted immune system. You could just hold out for a cherry flavoured multivitamin. Or you could choke another person with your tongue. Tough call.

But seriously, people actually enjoy this experience. It’s considered vital during courtship. I am sure I have heard that animals do tongue lunges to support their mating success 1. Success for humans is actually rated. You can be a terrible snogger and god help you if you are! People talk about this. They probably even exchange Facebook messages about it.

I have to admit, I am still mystified as to the whole rating system. How does one expertly push his meat muscle into another’s beckoning cavernous opening without it being too wet or too messy to earn a 10/10? I am still talking about kissing here folks, but now you see the sexual appeal it might have. Or not.

I don’t really know how my now husband would ‘rate’ me for french kissing. When he first laid eyes on me, it was my fish-kissy faces that did him in. Ask him! How could he resist? But I do remember that when I was sixteen and so deeply enamoured with the idea of tongue kissing, Trav would make fun of me (yeah, don't ask). This occurred if I got too caught up in the moment; I would sort of forget what to do and just leave my tongue dangling loosely in his mouth like a dying fish. Poor guy. He doesn't like to talk about the frightening memory of having a limp tongue in his mouth. I am still probably losing points as I speak.


Anyway, there’s these moves you can can master. Some of these include the Dental Dam 2 The tongue slips gently across the inside or outside of the teeth. This is a tricky one, especially if your opponent is trying to do the same thing to you. There’s the Whirling Dervish 3, where you try to hook your tongue around your lover’s, almost like an arm wrestle (see hermaphroditic worms). Then there’s the attempt to lick each other’s lip. This one seems the most enjoyable, but still serves no purpose.

So, for example, Jill goes in for the lick, bite, Dervish, and then throws in a dental hygiene move where she polishes Jack’s teeth like an electric toothbrush. Dentists everywhere will be out of work if this gets out. Jack ups the ante by performing all of the above plus something unexpected (a bit of chewing gumperhaps?) to win the battle. This mating ritual continues until the two, three, four or more tongues lose focus, trailing off. Then the hands pick up where the tongues leave off.

Seems a bit crazy doesn’t it? Still, one must not overlook the importance of this step in the fluid system. The depth of kissing can and does sometimes define the intimacy level in the relationship. Prostitutes, for example, will sometimes not kiss their clients at all. Whips, chain mail, or butternut squash? Yes. Tongue kissing? No. See, it constitutes a more intimate relationship than fifteen bucks can buy. And no, kissing with mouths pursed shut wouldn’t make the date any cheaper. Don’t get me wrong, I am not pigeon-holing prostitution —that is a whole 'nother post to write. Just making a statement about the odd intimacy of kissing.

You never thought about this? Yeah right. She's right there, arching her open mouth closer to the waiting tongue snake, and not even the rational part of you is wondering why? Weird.

But who am I kidding? Despite the apparent uselessness of it, I love a little…

“soul kissing, tongue kissing, tongue wrestling, pash, hooking up, getting in with, busting slob, mugging it up, making-out, macking on, snogging, slipping the tongue, popping tongue, sucking face, swapping spit, deep kissing, pulling, slug wrestling, tonsil tennis, tonsil ping-pong, tonsil hockey, meeting (Republic Of Ireland), seeing (Northern Ireland), … going with, Frencher 4 and frenching 5.”

Or whatever you want to call it.

Sucking face is awesome.

  1. Yup.
  2. Made that up.
  3. Should I get a Nobel or something?
  4. Quebec.


Very true. Then again, as an INTJ I don’t get most social rituals—I’m confused by why people think small talk is necessary (“how are you?” “Do you really want to know?” “Er, no.” “Then why did you ask?) and I don’t get dancing, either. The funny thing is, I really like holding hands. No idea why. I guess because I’m not a very tactile person normally, it feels really intimate.

Gosh, holding hands. While everyone else is grinding groins and sticking their tongues down each other’s throats. I’m such a pervert…

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