The Stink Eyebrow

If they are for keeping dirt and hair out of your eyes, I contest! I always get dirt in my eyes. When I was in Costa Rica I had them pinched shut along the dusty roads to Tamarindo and that dirt just slipped like a dirty whore. Little locals on motorbikes morphed into a blur of threatening colour as road and bike converged into swirls of dust. As for the cat hairs, well, let’s just say I can knit an angora with my eyelashes. I’ll get you a sweater by 3 o’clock this afternoon. Not a hair to be found in my longish uneven eyebrows (except my own), but my eyes tear up and I can’t see for most of the day because my eyebrows are slacking off. Believe me, our cat is capable of dropping a rug a day’s worth of fur. What a joke.

Maybe if I let them grow a bit longer, we’re talkin’ George Burns style, they might stop the occasional bug or cashew from clobbering me in the eyeball. But, I have heard unsightly eyebrows can be grounds for divorce. Sorry @louderthan10, I am far too vain to go this route, and you’re a bit easy on the eyes, so forget it.

Okay, so if there is a god, and he does have a sense of humour, perhaps he had a greater purpose for the eyebrow. I have no idea what it is, but I’m not God. God would also understand the human comedy of, say, the unibrow. Talk about the classic tragedy: you wake up one morning and realize you’re single and much to your chagrin, it’s likely because your two hairy windshield wipers are doing more freakish mating than you ever will. Someone should sign to Koko and ask her if she’s landed any hot silverbacks after picking the lice off her arches (and eating them).

I arch my supraloral line at this fact: we (ladies, this is for you) have rendered our eyebrows completely dysfunctional anyway by plucking, waxing, trimming, and arching them. It’s like an obsession. So even if the brows would have caught the stray bug or loose fleck of tinder while at Burning Man, these shapely supercilium curves (or plucked atrocities depending on who did it) can serve no purpose save a ‘come hither’ glance (likely directed at a naked man with neon body paint).

At any rate, I am due for a shaping. The weekly trim is not enough to keep these grassy hilltops of mine at bay. I’ll let you know how it goes. I don’t really need any more odd eyebrow looks.