Musings

Tongue Worms

2010-03-26T04:38:35Z

The more I think about it, the weirder tongue kissing seems. I mean, there you are, hot in the pants for someone, and the best thing you can come up with is to thrust your taste and swallowing organ into your partner’s slobbery mouth and jostle it around like a wily porpoise. Okay bad simile. Nevertheless, not only have we made this a habit, but humans have become particularly adept and innovative with the concept. Instead of merely leaving your tongue there, you think it’s a good idea to slosh it around, making it wriggle like a seizing, desperate earthworm. It’s just so odd—it doesn’t serve any practical purpose, save the rumour of a boosted immune system. You could just hold out for a cherry flavoured multivitamin. Or you could choke another person with your tongue. Tough call. But seriously, people actually enjoy this experience. It’s considered vital during courtship. I am sure I have heard that animals do tongue lunges to support their mating success. 1 Success for humans is actually rated. You can be a terrible snogger and god help you if you are! People talk about this. They probably even exchange Facebook messages about it. I have to admit, I am still mystified as to the whole rating system. How does one expertly push his meat muscle into another’s beckoning cavernous opening without it being too wet or too messy to earn a 10/10? I am still talking about kissing here folks, but now you see the sexual appeal it might have. Or not. I don’t really know how my now husband would ‘rate’ me for french kissing. When he first laid eyes on me, it was my fish-kissy faces that did him in. Ask him! How could he resist? But I do remember that when I was sixteen and so deeply enamoured with the idea of tongue kissing, Trav would make fun of me (yeah, don't ask). This occurred if I got too caught up in the moment; I would sort of forget what to do and just leave my tongue dangling loosely in his mouth like a dying fish. Poor guy. He doesn't like to talk about the frightening memory of having a limp tongue in his mouth. I am still probably losing points as I speak. Anyway, there’s these moves you can master. Some of these include the Dental Dam 2 The tongue slips gently across the inside or outside of the teeth. This is a tricky one, especially if your opponent is trying to do the same thing to you. There’s the Whirling Dervish, 3 where you try to hook your tongue around your lover’s, almost like an arm wrestle (see hermaphroditic worms). Then there’s the attempt to lick each other’s lip http://lt10.ca/81. This one seems the most enjoyable, but still serves no purpose. So, for example, Jill goes in for the lick, bite, Dervish, and then throws in a dental hygiene move where she polishes Jack’s teeth like an electric toothbrush. Dentists everywhere will be out of work if this gets out. Jack ups the ante by performing all of the above plus something unexpected (a bit of chewing gum perhaps?) to win the battle. This mating ritual continues until the two, three, four or more tongues lose focus, trailing off. Then the hands pick up where the tongues leave off. Seems a bit crazy doesn’t it? Still, one must not overlook the importance of this step in the fluid system. The depth of kissing can and does sometimes define the intimacy level in the relationship. Prostitutes, for example, will sometimes not kiss their clients at all. Whips, chain mail, or butternut squash? Yes. Tongue kissing? No. See, it constitutes a more intimate relationship than fifteen bucks can buy. And no, kissing with mouths pursed shut wouldn’t make the date any cheaper. Don’t get me wrong, I am not pigeon-holing prostitution—that is a whole 'noter post to write. Just making a statement about the odd intimacy of kissing. You never thought about this? Yeah right. She's right there, arching her open mouth closer to the waiting tongue snake, and not even the rational part of you is wondering why? Weird. But who am I kidding? Despite the apparent uselessness of it, I love a little… “soul kissing, tongue kissing, tongue wrestling, pash, hooking up, getting in with, busting slob, mugging it up, making-out, macking on, snogging, slipping the tongue, popping tongue, sucking face, swapping spit, deep kissing, pulling, slug wrestling, tonsil tennis, tonsil ping-pong, tonsil hockey, meeting (Republic Of Ireland), seeing (Northern Ireland), … going with, Frencher 4 and frenching.” 5 Or whatever you want to call it. Sucking face is awesome. 1. Yup. 2. Made that up. 3. Should I get a Nobel or something? 4. Quebec. 5. Wikipedia.com.

We Are The Warriors

2010-03-22T18:31:01Z

What would thou doest for a Unicat shirt? Our noble champions have stepped forward at SXSW to prove their love for the beast. They have done things that can only be shown via the secrecy of live video broadcasting. Be privy to the magic... In the name of the The Stray Muse's mighty Unicat; we salute you!

Anyone Out There?

2010-01-31T03:35:36Z

Maybe we could find out about aliens by shooting our bags of garbage into the universe. ETs are probably extremely environmentally friendly and intellectual (well they built the pyramids, didn't they?) so they would just get angry and shoot it right back. If burning bags of garbage shoot into our atmosphere, case closed. Aliens exist. And they are pissed right off.

Voter Apathy

2010-01-08T00:48:12Z

Lots of people don't vote because

They can't
They don't know how
They think their vote makes no difference
The parties are all the same
They don't give a rat's ass.

How do we change this?

Stimulate self-respect in youth and a belief in one's abilities. Encourage accountability. This means staging the opposing political candidates in a gladiator war. Give them sexy metallic wrestling outfits, the headgear, and mind blowing titles like "Obama the Crusher". Of course runners would have to present their party platform, but while beating each other with padded mallets on precarious foam towers. People would fervently watch the debates. They would be glued to their television screens and would text their votes in by the millions. I can prove this because more people voted during 2006's American Idol (530 million) than in the 2008 election (131.3 million). So people love entertainment. Politics is a joke to most people anyway. Give them what they want. A talent show.

I said it…

2009-05-19T03:41:55Z

Leggings are stupid.

Bifidus Regularis

2009-05-18T20:47:38Z

What’s the deal with all these crazy pre-biotic and pro-biotic yogurts? You see these yellow arrows flying around someone’s abdomen and you start to worry that there is some sort of directional revolt, that suddenly arrows start to appear if you digest too much dairy. Recently these yogurts (the brands shall remain nameless) are boasting antibacterial properties that will ‘regulate body processes’ aka make your intestines push out the brown stuff regularly. Now people are prepared to spend $8.50 on a six pack of what is essentially sour milk showcasing its bacterial count. A woman doesn’t count nor boast about her vajayjay flora; no one cares. So why is it suddenly so important to market bacteria in a food we have been eating since we learned to leave milk in the sun, especially to women? Check out the auditions to prove it! Fruit on the bottom is good enough for me.

The Stink Eyebrow

2009-03-12T06:41:26Z

So what’s the point of eyebrows? If they are for keeping dirt and hair out of your eyes, I contest! I always get dirt in my eyes. When I was in Costa Rica I had them pinched shut along the dusty roads to Tamarindo and that dirt just slipped like a dirty whore. Little locals on motorbikes morphed into a blur of threatening colour as road and bike converged into swirls of dust. As for the cat hairs, well, let’s just say I can knit an angora with my eyelashes. I’ll get you a sweater by 3 o’clock this afternoon. Not a hair to be found in my longish uneven eyebrows (except my own), but my eyes tear up and I can’t see for most of the day because my eyebrows are slacking off. Believe me, our cat is capable of dropping a rug a day’s worth of fur. What a joke. Maybe if I let them grow a bit longer, we’re talkin’ George Burns style, they might stop the occasional bug or cashew from clobbering me in the eyeball. But, I have heard unsightly eyebrows can be grounds for divorce. Sorry @louderthan10, I am far too vain to go this route, and you’re a bit easy on the eyes, so forget it. Okay, so if there is a god, and he does have a sense of humour, perhaps he had a greater purpose for the eyebrow. I have no idea what it is, but I’m not God. God would also understand the human comedy of, say, the unibrow. Talk about the classic tragedy: you wake up one morning and realize you’re single and much to your chagrin, it’s likely because your two hairy windshield wipers are doing more freakish mating than you ever will. Someone should sign to Koko and ask her if she’s landed any hot silverbacks after picking the lice off her arches (and eating them). I arch my supraloral line at this fact: we (ladies, this is for you) have rendered our eyebrows completely dysfunctional anyway by plucking, waxing, trimming, and arching them. It’s like an obsession. So even if the brows would have caught the stray bug or loose fleck of tinder while at Burning Man, these shapely supercilium curves (or plucked atrocities depending on who did it) can serve no purpose save a ‘come hither’ glance (likely directed at a naked man with neon body paint). At any rate, I am due for a shaping. The weekly trim is not enough to keep these grassy hilltops of mine at bay. I’ll let you know how it goes. I don’t really need any more odd eyebrow looks.

The Harm of Tasting

2008-07-18T08:50:08Z

How did the ancients decide who would be the sucker that would have to sample foods never been tried for human consumption? We are not talking about Baskin Robbins here. Take, for example, tomatoes. Origins point to Peru before the Spanish showed up. If people had tried to eat the leaves of these poison treats, they would soon be dead or wishing they were. So imagine that first brave soul touching his tongue to a ripe tomato, hoping to God that he didn’t croak like his older brother Manuel, all mottled and frothing at the mouth, with the leaves sticking between his teeth. Is this what we call taking one for the team? So how did people decide who got to be the food tester? Was it the bravest of the group? Or was it the spindly little elderly ladies that were forced to do this task? Was it a noble thing? Or was it a punishment for abomination? Well, if the strongest were ’sacrificed’, and the food was indeed poisonous, then a tribe would have lost its strongest member. However, if the weakest person was sacrificed, then did that person give up because he was weaker and couldn’t tolerate the poison? Makes you think, doesn’t it? I wonder if there were a lot of poison-related deaths in the Dark Ages. Maybe tomatoes are evil. At any rate, I still think it would have been an adventure being a food sampler. Think of how much money you could make (as long as you didn’t value your life). Or imagine a party, where new dishes were offered on silver dishes bedecked with jewels. If you didn’t like your guests you could just suggest some succulent blowfish, or perhaps a lawn mushroom and they wouldn’t gossip anymore about great aunt (or was it uncle) Patty.

The Wrong Side

2008-07-17T06:33:53Z

Why did we suddenly flop from driving left side of the road a hundred years ago, to driving on the right? Suddenly it seemed like a good idea to move steering wheels to the opposite sides of our cars. Poor cross-country travellers and truckers–it must be disorientating to be staring the micterating dogs and elderly women in the face as you try to make a right turn with a tub of highly flammable anhydrous ammonia or crunchy potato chips swaying dangerously behind you. Still there must be a reason for this odd change. I think it encourages the motor strip in our brains to work overtime which probably just makes us smarter. Or maybe it had something to do with the Fall of Rome. Either way, the game of chicken is lethal no matter which side of the road you crash on.

What’s the measure?

2008-04-24T06:21:52Z

Are humans actually the measure of all things? Or are they just a part of a size chart where they happened to fit into the mix? Take, for example, the sizes of insects > trees > whales versus microscopic bacteria. Is it a coincidence that most of the naturally occurring things we eat such as eggs, and fruit are sized precisely to fit into the palm of our hands? Imagine a world, where the majority of food was minuscule or perhaps too large to eat in one sitting.Where would that leave us? The Golden ratio (1.618…) asserts some power over the general ordering of plants and animals in the world. So there does appear to be a mathematical logic behind the whole thing. Still, humans seem so self-assured that the world was built to suit them and their needs. BTW: Is the blue whale the largest animal on earth today? And if so, why does it stop at like 90 or 100 feet? What kind of regulating force is causing animals to top out at 100 feet? Okay, aside from the size of our planet. Dragonflies used to be huge in the Palaeolithic era.